I usually write about my convictions because that’s how God works in me. I think that’s how he works in all of us. The moment you think you can handle your life and you’ve got everything together is the moment God shows you that he has a much better understanding of what is actually going on.
I’ve always been this super independent person that can do everything! And I mean EVERYTHING. In high school I went to school, worked two jobs, cheered (blah) and still had time for homework, friends and family somehow. I never cracked, and if I did just a little bit I was told that I could handle it and I made it through.
I’ve noticed that college is a lot different from high school. The load is much heavier, the purpose of what you’re doing is fuller and consequences are a lot bigger.
But I’m Caden right? I don’t need help or rest or anything.
The reason that I have not posted a blog post in two weeks is because I couldn’t. You see, the weight of life became really heavy these past few weeks. And I don’t want to sound like a broken record or complain about something everyone is feeling because I know there are a lot of people out there that are doing just the same amount of work that I am.
Going to school. Working a hectic job. Dealing with relationships. Trying to balance life.
But it’s gotten to a point that I sit down to write, (Writing being my source of decompression) and I realize that I cannot. The sheer terror of my own anxiety freezes my thought process. And yeah sure I can chalk it all up to writers block but what about prayer? I sit down to pray and I can’t even muster up the words to ask God for help because I feel so clogged. I feel like I need to cleanse myself of the distractions that have filled my life. Even my health, physical and mental health, are going down the drain. I’m doing so much that all I can eat is whatever’s fast and easy, full of processed garbage and zero nutrition. And I’m so distracted by what I’m behind in and what I need to get done for tomorrow that I forget about a counseling appointment that is supposed to help me. Where am I right now? What’s going on?
So I sit on my couch and break down because I realized I filled my plate so much that now everything on it is falling off and breaking into a million pieces.
Some things have to go. A very wise professor told me this week, “Caden, you can’t do it all.”
And she’s right.
God promotes rest. He agrees with doing things well. But most importantly, he wants us to let him be in control.
I think sometimes we get blinded by things we think we are supposed to be doing. Yes, God wants me to go to school. And he wants me to work. And he wants me to do this and that and whatever! But if we think we can handle a big pile of life by ourselves then we’ve got it all wrong. I DO want to work hard and I know God wants that too, but when we can’t even find the time or effort to pray…then what is this all worth? What am I working for? Am I working so hard because I need the approval of my parents? Am I trying to get a raise because I want to have more money? Am I spending so much time with this person because I want them to think I’m cool? If that’s the case then I’ve missed the point.
God provided school so that I could train to be a missionary.
God provided people in my life to pour into me and vice versa.
God provided a job, not to accumulate money or things, but to support myself and give generously.
This hasn’t been my focus for these things. I’m being consumed by them.
And that is not how it’s supposed to be.
So today, I leave you with this: Cleanse yourself of the things that are in the way of the REAL purpose of your priorities and simply seek God’s will.
I will do the same.