That’s me, right now.
My blog name is Quirky Caden because it’s a less offensive way to say awkward. I’m just kidding, but kind of. I’m pretty used to these sort of things. I trip at least once a day. I almost always have 5 things in my hands at one time. I am continually getting in people’s personal bubbles making encounters a lot more awkward than they need to be. And I usually don’t have a lot together. And that stuff is okay. I kind of like it.
But these past couple weeks have been killer.
It’s like every single thing I do I can’t get it right. And this is how I am feeling. Whether it be true or not, I have felt like this.
Excluding work and being a wife, which I have put on the back burner (not okay), I’ve been falling short in the school department. We (as a school) have been having lots of exams, quizzes and papers, due to mid-term and fall break coming up. I have been really trying. My life seems like a never ending battle between academics and Caden, and Caden is loosing. A good example of this is the last couple exams I’ve had.
The first was a Theology exam. We had lots of people over to our apartment and we all relentlessly studied. Going into the test I felt super confident, exiting the test I felt like I had failed. It wasn’t because of the lack of knowledge, it was the lack of time I had to write my thoughts. It takes me a week to write a blog post about what I am making up in MY brain! To write what someone else came up with in an hour is pretty hard for me. The next exam was an exam for Foundations of Western Culture over The Odyssey. I crammed in what studying I could and hoped that God would provide me with wisdom on remembering all the stupid names we had to know…after the test…eh (shoulder shrug). Lastly, the Urban Evangelism and Church Planting exam. I walked out of the test feeling like I did really well. I was one of the first done. When one of my friends came out we started to discuss how we felt and she mentioned doing the two questions at the bottom. “Wait, I thought we were only supposed to do one,” I asked. Getting a confused no I rushed back in to beg the TA if I could try to get the last question in in the last 15 minutes of class. Life.
School is hard for me. I’ve never been very good at studying, I’m a slow reader and I usually freeze and forget during tests. I’m sure there are a lot of people that can relate to me. But one person who cannot relate is my husband. Nick Eckert is a genius. He has an insane gift of being able to turn his brain on and off. He can sit in a classroom and fully focus for the whole period. When he studies, you would think that he has a photographic memory. He understands. He’s quick. It’s awesome!
And I don’t mean to say all of these things to brag on Nick, or to make myself look bad, or to even complain about my week- I’ve done enough of that. I say these things because I feel hypocritical.
My big thing that I love to encourage people with is to be confident in themselves! I can see all the good qualities in people and I love to point that out. But when it comes to myself I get all dramatic. I can’t take my own advice and it’s not okay.
Just because I struggle with something doesn’t make it okay to feel bad for myself. I’ve been moping around telling myself that “I suck at school” and “Why can’t I just be like Nick.” I’m digging a hole for myself to sit in and be jealous and a big fat baby. The truth about confidence is that it isn’t easy. Yeah, some people are better at displaying it than others, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have to get up and work hard. Confidence isn’t being good at something and bragging about it. Confidence is believing in yourself and doing the best that you can. Nick reminded me that we each have different gifts. He may be good at school but I’m pretty good with people. Does this mean that I should quit school and Nick should never interact with anyone ever again? No. We both have to work even harder at the things that we struggle with, and that’s being confident.
It took me forever to come up with something to write this week. It wasn’t that all the school work got in the way or that I worked too much, it was me not allowing myself to take a honest look at the things on my heart. When I stepped back this morning and examined my cold demeanor, I realized I couldn’t write because I wasn’t being real with myself. This week I haven’t felt like i’ve done anything right. I’ve let my emotions pile up and instead of confronting the issue I’ve let it all boil inside of me. It’s really tough for me to admit that I’ve had a hard time believing in myself lately. This may be because I have “She believed she could, so she did” tattooed on my arm, or maybe it’s because I tell everyone else to be confident but I think it’s mostly because when I don’t believe in myself, I’m selling myself short.
I know that I’m not the only one with this issue. It’s hard. Life is hard sometimes. And believing in yourself is hard, too. But we can do hard things, right? I think so. I’m done sitting in the pit of self-doubt and I’m ready get going again. I don’t really have an inspirational quote for you or a song lyric to pick you up, but I will say this: It’s okay and you can do it! I know sometimes it isn’t that easy, but sometimes it is. Sometimes you need to apologize for your self-pity and sometimes you need lots of encouragement. And other times you just need to be told that everything is okay and that you can do it.
So go out friends and kick life back in the face! Praying for a boost of confidence in all our days!
Whenever someones having a bad day/week/month, I think the best medicine is dancing. SO here we go…